To honor this anniversary, I’m sharing one question and reflection per day for seven days, one for each year of this journey.
Today is Year Six.
Day 6: When the Question Changed from "Where" to "How"
2023 was a fun year, in a way.
Coming back to NYC after a month in the warmth and beauty of Hawai‘i was rough. My heart wasn’t in it anymore, but I used that feeling to empower the voice I had heard in paradise: I would leave NYC, and it would be my last winter.
I gave myself a year and changed the question from “Where?” to “How?”I stopped focusing on what wasn’t working, where I would go, or all the fear-based scenarios in my head. I started asking: How can I leave? What do I need? How do I want this transition to look like?
I spent 12 months focused on that. And a year after coming back from Hawai‘i, I left.
That year, I went back for Caine’s birthday. He came to NYC for mine. We got married. We knew that if we wanted to give our relationship a real chance, that’s what we needed to do.
My parents came to visit me one last time, they were the ones who loved NYC even before I did.My friend Nolen took over the lease of my favorite Brooklyn home.I sold my furniture and my plants.I went to all my favorite places. Met with all the friends I had made in the past five years. Ate at all my favorite restaurants.I enjoyed one last summer in NYC.
This is the melancholic post, I guess.
If you’ve ever left a special place, or a special person, you know that NYC is both. It’s intense. Raw. Exciting. Dirty. Smelly. Cockroachy. Beautiful. Direct. Fast. Euphoric. Depressing. Cold. Humid…You can go from feeling amazing to looking like you’ve had the worst five minutes of your life, just from stepping into 34th Street–Herald Square.And still… you love her/him/them. (For me, NYC has feminine energy, what about you?)
But at some point, I needed to feel only my emotions.Only my voice.Only my heart.
So I broke up with NYC.“It’s not me, it’s you.”
I’m happy I left when I did, before my love for New York could slowly turn to hate.Only people who’ve lived there truly understand. It can be magical. I did things I could have never imagined.Met incredible people, for five years or just five minutes, like when I shared a cab on a snowy night because the B41 wasn’t coming.I cried on the train. I was sexually harassed. I stood in a Brooklyn courtroom.I tried to surf (once).Traveled on boats. Swam on rooftops.Served celebrities I used to watch on TV.Went to unforgettable concerts.Learned everything about wine.And most importantly, learned about humanity in all its aspects.
That was the year I moved to Hawai‘i.H. A. W. A. I. ʻI.Who would’ve imagined I’d live here? Not me.
I remember dreaming of Hawai‘i as a child, a place that existed in another world.The first months were tough. I was exhausted from the past year… and from the five before that.At the same time, I was just beginning my relationship with Caine, what a “fun” way to start a new adventure in paradise, right?
I’ll end today’s reflection with a question from my friend Amy Horn:
"What was the moment or moments when you knew you made the right decision?"
Coming back from a trip to the mainland, specifically Honolulu, in February this year made it very clear.NYC had always felt too extroverted for me.It had kept my nervous system on high alert, and I’m still learning how to regulate it.But in Hawai‘i, I wake up and all I hear are the birds and the wind. And just like that, I’m back to the present.
And honestly? Do we ever truly feel 100% sure we made the right decision?
Probably not. Because life isn’t linear.And maybe, if you stop trying to know for sure, you’ll open yourself up to actually living.
See you tomorrow for day seven, the last one.
With Gratitude,Nina
