Some friendships leave a mark. Some just leave…

I had a busy week last week. Beautiful things happened, but I’m pretty exhausted from it all, and I wanted to write about something softer.

Friendship. How I perceive it. How I see some of my friends and most of my clients struggling to stay connected with certain friends, especially in times of personal shift.

When I think of my first friends as a kid, some really left a mark on my heart. I don’t know if it’s weird, but I didn’t stay in touch with most of them.

I remember a Japanese friend I had when I was probably 8. She had invited me to her birthday, and I was really touched that she invited me. I just think there was something that felt really easy with her. She had given all of us a little Hello Kitty box with some chopsticks. I kept them for years.

One day she left Switzerland to go back to Japan and I was heartbroken.

I remember understanding that I would never talk to her again, and it was so strange, as if she was leaving for a different universe. No one thought about sharing our addresses. She left. That was it.

I also had a friend named Julia, I think. I know we were close and one day she left. I don’t remember much but the feeling stays.

I had friends at school but I feel there was always some drama and I’m definitely not into drama. Plus I’m an introvert, so I was often living in my own world.

How did I learn to have friends? I wonder. Not how to meet new ones, but how to create a strong relationship.

My first examples were through my parents’ friendships.

How do some people stay in friendships and relationships with people they’ve known since they were kids?

Knowing what I know now, I wonder how they do it. I know there is a lot of loyalty in it, but I also know people. I know we change and evolve and that some don’t.

Some are happy where they arrived in their life from day one, as if they received their life as a reward and everything just feels easy. Nothing makes them feel any negative feelings. They are fully happy and at peace to have a life that is very familiar.

I’m definitely not like that.

My parents said they expected me to be born in August, my birthday is in mid-July. I was born at home on a hot day of summer (37°C/98.7°F) without AC, yes my American friends!

I was ready for life.
I never really hung out with the same group of friends. I like to have different types of friends from different backgrounds, ages, nationalities, races, and even people that I don’t have much in common with. But mostly introverts like me.

Some are extroverts. I find that I have fun with people from an opposite energy field too. They push me to get out of my comfort zone, but also, they create very colorful, fun, deep friendships. Even if sometimes we don’t vibe the same way, I love them so much.

They are great at helping you get your inner child out more often.

Now at 43, I just want to be with people who are chill, who understand boundaries, enjoy clear communication, love having deep conversations about anything. That aren’t scared to agree to disagree, and who know when I need to be pushed. I got tired of playing in the extrovert world and ending completely empty of energy.

I just want to be me and vibe with people who are grounded, who work on themselves, who ask themselves questions. People who are in self-discovery mode and are hungry to learn more. I just enjoy relationships that are relaxed and relaxing.

Where there are no uncommunicated expectations. We expect that we will be our full selves. And that we will do our best to always respect, see, listen, share, communicate clearly, and trust each other.

And I think it’s totally fine and even great that with some people, no matter our efforts, it’s just not happening.

I really believe there are people for everyone and that we aren’t meant to be for everyone.

And when you start a friendship with someone who looks at the world and life through the same lens, it’s so empowering, joyful, and easy. There are no subtitles needed or explanations to give on who we are and why we do what we do. There is no judgment.

Some friendships feel very strong, very fast. We spend all our time together and when we are not together we are on the phone. Similar to when you fall in love, everything feels right, aligned, joyful, exciting. You know that energy, right?

From my experience, some of them just don’t stay.

Maybe because we lived in an illusion for a couple of months or years, until one day, one of us changes. We realize that the friendship doesn’t feel balanced. It feels as if we put more weight into it than the other person. And some people do not like that we have other friends, or a different life.

And maybe actually because we weren’t very similar from day one. But all the excitement of finding someone to vibe with gets us into imbalanced friendships, just to feel seen, loved, appreciated.

But to be honest, I don’t recall having any conversation with my friends about our friendship falling out.

I think often I’m the one who goes in a different direction. At some point I felt an imbalance and because I wasn’t mature enough I never really asked for the balance. Maybe because I thought they should have noticed something wasn’t working. Or as a people pleaser I was masking my needs, thinking that their needs were more important so they would still want to be friends with me.

I was immature and scared of confrontation (still, work in progress...).

I didn’t know how to deal with my anxiety, the pressure of not being able to be the friend that my friend wanted from me. I just left the situations, the friendship. And I think it’s sad…

How many opportunities I lost because I didn’t say how I felt. They were my best friends and because I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings and how to express them, I just stopped being in touch.

But I also learned some of our friends are for one season, a few seasons, or forever.

I’m learning to let go of the idea that a friendship falls apart because someone did something wrong.

Could it be linked to the fact that my grandparents’ generation and before kind of lived a similar life all their lives? Same friends, same job, same partner or spouse.

That we have to stick with the old friends even when they talk behind our backs. Even when they don’t really like us anymore, when they miss our “old selves.”

Are we all meant to live next to our lives to fit society’s expectations?

Hell no.

When I learned how to listen more carefully to my thoughts, when I started therapy and started to feel better about myself.

I listened to my inner voice and started to say “no” to things I never really liked to do. Or when I shared that I was not happy and I wanted to start a different life. Some told me: “You changed” as if I did something really wrong, as I was betraying them. The thing is that I didn’t really feel that I did. I was actually feeling more myself...

It hurts so bad.

Because when we do the inner work, when we feel more and more proud of ourselves for loving ourselves a bit more, for standing for ourselves, for listening to ourselves, and we want to share with our closest friends, some feel so far away energetically.

As if the light and the energy of these people changed. The conversations aren’t feeling the same. When we share about our wins, about the joy of making those changes, they don’t feel excited for us. So, we share less.

We don’t show up anymore to events because it feels exhausting to be in a space with people who do not get us anymore and we don’t get them either.

How weird that feeling is, when we thought they really got us and we really got them. They seem as if they stayed in one place while we moved in a different direction. Or simply moved for the first time…

We grow and it’s not that we don’t feel sad for the situation, it really hurts. But it also feels exhausting to stay in relationships that lost their spark, where we feel we speak a different language and see the world differently. We still show up out of guilt.

And sometimes because we no longer feel lonely with ourselves, we no longer want to spend our time with people that aren't right for each other. We no longer feel we need to fit. We found a place in ourselves that we never want to leave. Our home. Us.

So, if you wonder if your friend is changing, if you feel disconnected, if you feel overwhelmed. Know that your friend is probably healing.

That your friend is making peace with themselves. They are more themselves. So why not be all in for it and support them? You might also change, you know, in a good way.

And if you feel disconnected from your friends but more connected with yourself than ever before, if you feel overwhelmed to explain what’s going on because you don’t really know what’s going on for yourself, ask your friend to stick with you no matter what. Or let it go.

You don’t owe anything to anyone other than yourself first. And if you don’t feel like it, you don’t feel like it. It’s all right.

Again, some friends are in your life for one season, one reason, to help you through a journey, and you as well, and you continue the adventure of your life.

And you know, some people come back into our lives as if they never left.

And you? How do you feel about your friendships?

With gratitude,
Nina

A few weeks back I had a great conversation with Kelly Garthwaite and Jamie-Lynn from The Naked Room.

I shared my story of leaving Switzerland at 34 to start over in New York City. No job waiting. A student visa and a dream. Eight years later, I live in Hawaiʻi. I help people go from where I used to be to where I am now, living a purposeful life. We talked about how we feel about the world and

If you enjoy stories about navigating life, embracing vulnerability, and finding your own path, come along.

If you are interested in learning more about my work as an empowerment coach, I invite you to visit my website for detailed information. There, you will find insights into my coaching:

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If you enjoy stories about navigating life, embracing vulnerability, and finding your own path, come along.