I’ve been thinking about a session I had with my client yesterday. It reminded me of others, and I thought maybe reflecting on it here might help someone else. Or me.

My client was telling me about her week. All the things she prioritized. Good things, important things. But nothing was about her actual goal. I asked why. She said she was focused on how to make money. I get it. Without money we can’t go far. But when we focus only on that, we lose something. We lose the connection to the dream. The thing that makes us willing to do the hard, boring, scary parts because we know where they lead.

She’s not the first. I’ve coached coaches who were so anxious about finishing their perfect program, recording it just right, feeling like they weren’t doing enough, that they stopped coaching altogether. Not even pro bono. Not even to keep the flame barely lit. And past clients were reaching out, asking to work with them again, and they said no.

When did life get so serious? When did we learn to be so responsible for every outcome, even the ones that aren’t ours?

A few days ago Chris Sciullo wrote a post called “Snow Days Are Disappearing.” He reflected on childhood. How our world has shifted more and more into a serious box. When we were kids we made holes in the box, created something out of our imagination from it. But as adults, somehow we just see a box. He wrote:

Now with global warming there’s less snow. Chris shared how his kids have school online on snow days instead. Where I’m from, and you might be surprised since I’m from Switzerland, I don’t remember school being closed because of snow. But I do remember days when school was closed. The feeling of freedom. A weekday where I didn’t have to go. Not because I hated it, but because it felt comforting that the structure could be flexible. That my year wasn’t completely set in stone. There were moments where I could just be a kid on a weekday.

I think all my adult needs are my inner child’s requests. Dance. Be playful. Get into the ocean and play with the waves for hours. Make weird sounds when I see a baby animal. Live in my imagination. Cry. Laugh at a simple joke. Draw. Travel into space. Make weird faces. Wear costumes.

We decided so young what we wanted to become, as if our job would be our identity. “I want to be a doctor.” “I want to be an archaeologist.” “I want to be an artist.” No one told us that slowly, we’d escape the fun. Enter the part of life where we aren’t allowed to play anymore. Because it doesn’t pay the bills. Because we have to “act as.”

Then come the life stage expectations. Pressure to be somewhere at a certain age. I’ve watched friends spiral on their 30th birthday because they didn’t have the husband, the kids. Some of us followed the script. Did what we were told. Women of my generation heard “work hard and you’ll get far.” So we walked. We climbed. We arrived. And no one gave us a medal. Because there is no medal. The world changed while we were climbing. And some of us, standing at the top, looked around and felt empty. We know what we’re capable of in a specific environment. But who we are in the world? It feels like we missed a few episodes of our life.

And I know this isn’t just a woman thing. For any gender, growing in a body that doesn’t feel like yours adds another layer entirely.

So do you know who you are? I mean really know. Outside of your job role. Outside of being someone’s parent, partner, friend. Your identity that isn’t linked to what you are for someone else. You as a whole person. What matters to you? What do you like to do when you’re alone? What are your hobbies? What are your dreams?

When did we stop dreaming? When did we stop valuing who we are and what our hearts deeply want? Think about your dreams. Are they materialistic? Are they about a physical place? Are they the total opposite of where you are today? Can you even dream anymore? Do you allow yourself to go to that place in your heart?

Because the day you wake up and feel something is off. That you aren’t where you “should” be. That you aren’t fulfilled. That’s your heart talking. And it’s probably been talking for a while. You just haven’t been listening.

So if you’re making changes in your life, or thinking about it but getting stuck on “how am I going to pay the bills?”, I want to ask you this.

What are your dreams? What’s your purpose?

If you don’t know, that’s okay. If you don’t know who you are, that’s okay too. Start there. Set up a meeting with your inner child. Ask questions. And if it sounds weird, do it anyway. The regrets dying people have are never about materialistic gain. It’s always about experiences they didn’t have. People they didn’t reach out to. Holding onto their ego instead of saying sorry.

If you can’t dream, what’s the point of working three jobs? Of staying at a company you hate? Of trying to change yourself to like your job? What’s the point of staying somewhere you don’t belong? With people who don’t really get you?

We are not born to be our jobs. We are not born to burn out just to feed our kids. To be with people who look good on paper but are boring as hell. Society dictated that we have to be successful to be someone in the world. And success is seen through money, power, the right connections. But look at the ones who made the rules. Where they are and where we are. Do you think they are dreaming? Maybe. I can’t answer for them.

I just know that I lived next to my life for too long. Too long with that off feeling. I told myself it was okay that I wasn’t happy. That I just needed to keep trying to fit into a world I didn’t like. It got me completely depressed. I had dreams but I stopped dreaming them.

I gave all the logical reasons why it wouldn’t work. “How am I going to live?” “What will I have to do to survive?” “I’ll have to live with roommates in my 30s?!”

I’d lived alone since my twenties. All those questions kept me stuck. In my head. In a place that wasn’t making me happy. I stopped dreaming. Kept complaining. Didn’t do anything about it. Until I got out of my comfort zone because I was tired of myself.

So close your eyes. Take two deep breaths. And imagine where you’d actually like to be right now. Don’t let your logical mind kick in. It’s not invited.

Just feel it. The temperature. How you move around. What you want to do with your days. Are you alone or with people? If there are people, who are they? How do you feel?

Write down what came to you. Or draw it. Go back to it as much as you need. Add details. And slowly, if that dream feels like your direction, invite your logical mind to help you make it happen. And when it brings fears, questions, anxiety, go back to your visualization. Ask your questions there. Listen to what your heart says.

What are your dreams? Do you even let yourself dream anymore?

Reply and tell me. I read every response.

With gratitude,
Nina