I caught myself doing something I didn’t realize I was doing.

I have high expectations for myself, and I unconsciously project those same expectations onto others. I assume people have the same capacity I do, the same “basic knowledge,” the same ability to handle things. Then my brain gets stuck when someone doesn’t do something I consider simple. I find myself asking “why aren’t they doing this obvious thing?”

But I forget that we’re not all operating from the same baseline.

Living with someone who has ADHD and comes from a different culture has given me perspectives I wouldn’t have otherwise. We don’t do things the same way. What he thinks is obvious isn’t obvious to me, and vice versa. This daily experience of difference has helped me understand how reactive and judgmental I can be - and through that awareness, I can understand other people better too.

Some people are dealing with mental health struggles, past trauma, hyperactivity, overflow of thoughts, hypersensitivity, or other invisible difficulties I might not see. What feels basic to me might be overwhelming for them.

To be honest, I struggle too sometimes. When I get triggered and past trauma kicks in, if people aren’t aware of my history, they might think I’m not stable. When I act from a place of anxiety instead of calm, I’m not my best self either.

We live in a society where the standard is perfection and there’s no space for being different or having challenges without being labeled. I’ve witnessed people trying their best and feeling pressure every day to achieve what comes easily to others. They’re not passionate about the struggle - it makes them sad. They feel like they’re never enough and never will be.

In my coaching work, I hear so much self-blaming. Clients tell me they’re not enough, that they should be somewhere else “already.” They get stuck in this mindset. I think we all do that in a way.

But when they finally get permission to operate at their own pace, something shifts. Their body language changes, their face relaxes. They gain perspective on what they’ve actually been doing and realize they are doing the thing - just not the way someone else would do it.

We waste so much energy comparing and judging instead of seeing people for who they actually are. Comparison is almost like a poison because it blinds us to really see the person we are and who the people around us are.

The person who needs extra time, extra care, extra space to breathe - that’s not a flaw. That’s being human. What does that look like? It looks like kindness and compassion. Remembering that we can only do the best we can with the tools and the skills we have. We can always improve, but the importance of self-love and compassion is much needed because we are connected and a reflection of each other.

This starts with looking at ourselves honestly. Where do I need extra time, extra care, extra air, extra love? When I can see my own tender spots, I can see others’ too.

When we stop expecting everyone to operate the way we do, we create space for people to be human. To struggle. To need more time. To do things differently without it being wrong.

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” - Dalai Lama

Maybe the most helpful thing we can do is stop adding our expectations to someone else’s already full plate.

What would change if you let people be exactly who they are right now?

Where do you need extra time, extra care, extra love in your own life?